Thursday, October 15, 2009

The Army Husband’s Guide 4 – Kids Connection

So, you’ve been in and out of your home very frequently, and to your children, you’re slowly turning into just a face that appears when it appears. Like the visiting uncle, or neighbour.

But you know the difference. You are not the visiting uncle. You are their father, and you want to and have to be involved in their lives. Question is, in what way?

Are you going to be the disciplinarian? Or are you going to be your kids’ best friend?

It’s challenging to be both simultaneously, but you realise that’s the best possible solution. After being away for some time, it really pains you to be home (finally!) and start brandishing the cane in front of your misbehaved children. Yet, you cannot sit there and allow them to exploit your kindness as this is going to add to your wife’s burden when you’re away again and she becomes the disciplinary mistress.

There is no best way to do this. You have to discuss with your wife and agree on the rules that have been set for the children and to follow them regardless of a returning father’s love. However, that doesn’t preclude you from getting down to your knees and really be their friend. Here’s how you can do this:

1. Reading to them

Read a story book to your infants. Record your story telling in a DVD so that whenever your kids miss you when you aren’t around, your wife can play the DVD and get them instantly connected to their daddy through the story.

Remember to make the story more animated, and every now and then, raise your head and give them good eye contact.

Since you’ll probably know how long you’ll be gone in the next deployment, you can record the stories before hand. One new story every week should be good enough to last them until you’re back.

2.  Make it personal!

Have some me-time with your children, especially if they’re in their pre-teens or teenage years. They are at a sensitive stage where they may see themselves as adults and therefore, not willing to see you as the figure of authority.

If you have more than one kid, have a meal or chat with them separately. Bring them for a nice dinner, or an activity they enjoy doing. Have a heart-to-heart chat. Let them know what you have been doing during your absence, and find out more about their lives too. Listen with an open-mind. Do not be quick to infuse your own values and perspectives into theirs and start lecturing them on what should be the correct thing to do. Remember, you want to connect with them, and to do that, you have to be at their level and see things from their eyes. 

Be a teenager in your heart, and a father in your head.

If you realise your adolescent is not opening up to you as openly and freely as you hope, be patient. After all, they have their own lives and you’d rather respect their need for privacy than to pry and insist they spill the beans on what they have been up to with their friends when daddy wasn’t home.

3. Family time

Go out and/or do things together as a family. It’s important for your children to know that the family is whole despite you being absent so often. And going out or doing things as a family is the best way for them to feel the bonding and love shared as a unit.

You can watch a favourite movie at home together, eating popcorns and discussing about the characters or just having a good laugh.

Have dinner as a family is also a good way to catch up on each member’s day. The family that eats together stays together, or so they say!

4. Helping out

Your children may have been assigned certain chores to help out around the house when you aren’t around. When you’re back, how do they feel about you doing some of these chores? Are they excited that you’re sharing the tasks with them? Or do they feel like you’re treading on their territory?

Depending on how your children react to you helping out around the house, you can either let them continue as the way it has been without you or you can chip in your bit of strength and labour away with them as part of your bonding exercise.

The key here is to be aware of what changes has taken place in your absence and blend yourself in as smooth as you can. But, there can never be a transition without any hiccups, so, be patient with yourself and your family.

This wraps up the series The Army Husband’s Guide for you, our soldier husband and daddy. 

It’s never easy to juggle the nation’s duties and your family’s duties on your shoulders at the same time. It certainly isn’t something that comes as-is, therefore continuous and open communication and efforts have to be constant between you and your wife. When there’s a will, there’s a way!