The Army Husband’s Guide 3 - Reconnecting

I kickstarted this series with the post about the fundamental C – Communication. I mentioned that your wife is most probably playing in her mind loving and cosy images of you returning home from a deployment.

The truth is, more often than not, you may not be in the mood for such nice and lovely reunion. You might need to take a short break to be alone, and use this time to come to terms with life back home.

This reconnection can be tricky. On one hand, it seems a no-brainer to re-integrate yourself back into the family since you’re a part of it anyway.

On the other hand, there could be a few challenges lurking around the corners waiting for you to tackle them wisely. Yes, the key word here is wisely.

Things are happening every day, every moment even when you’re not around. To get up to speed on the past events that have taken place is something you need to do as soon as possible without feeling overwhelmed.

Your child may be stringing words into sentences that you find hard to construe when just before you left, he is only making some incomprehensible noises.

Your cousin has just given birth and everyone is gushing about this newborn in the whole family, while you can’t even attach a face to the baby’s name.

Your wife has a promotion and the family celebrated it with her by having a scrumptious meal without you around.

New rules have been set in the house so that the toddler wouldn’t burn the house down due to your negligence.

There has been some bad news too. Someone in the family has been retrenched; fallen ill, or just recently had a bad break-up.

With all these events happening, big or small, certainly the atmosphere and dynamics in the family has changed. How are you going to adapt to all these in short notice and settle in comfortably?

How has your role in the family changed now that you’re frequently absent? You may find that decisions have to be made in your absence, and chances are even when you’re back, this “head of the family” title may not be so naturally reinstated in a moment’s notice.

Be patient, and at the same time, do your best to help around the house as much as you can. Be as involved in the lives of each family member as you can. Let them know that despite you not being with them, your heart has always been caring for them.

Take a stroll with your wife. It is a great time to just chat about anything under the sky and listen to each other intently. Listen to your wife when she tells you what has been going on in her life while you are not around. This will make her feel that she’s still special in your heart.

Are you able to journal during your deployment? Maybe it’ll be good to spend some time at the end of the day to write down your thoughts and feelings throughout the day. What have you seen, what have you done and what impact or difference have you made to some other people’s lives? Write a letter to your wife and your kids if possible and pass the whole bunch to them when you’re back. When they read them, they’ll be able to feel how you felt when you were carrying out your duties. In a way, these letters and your journal connect them with you. They serve as a great ice-breaker too, don’t you agree?

If writing is tough for you, how about doing a voice recording? MP3 players double up as voice recorders nowadays and they’re very portable. Or maybe taking photos will do the trick too!

You may feel awkward to be intimate with your wife after such a long absence. Well, be prepared to feel awkward (tell yourself it’s ok!), at the same time pull on your old charm and rekindle that passion again!

If things really turn too awry in your relationship and it’s getting too tough to handle, like if you’re having too many heated arguments, excessive anger or any unresolved emotional burden you inherited from your last deployment, be open to look for a marriage counsellor.

The main point is, reconnecting with your spouse doesn’t just come naturally just because you’re both married to each other. It needs some effort on both parties. Though it may be challenging at times, but the rewards of a healthy, loving and lasting marriage is definitely worth much more than what you’ve put in.