Thursday, September 24, 2009

An Army Husband’s Guide 1 – It’s That C

A relationship is like a dance - it takes two to tango. Finished the series for the army wife, I’m now stepping into the other dancer’s shoe – yes, the man – to continue the tango and make it complete. 

I remember vividly how the five Cs – Cash, Condominium, Car, Country Club membership, Career – has dominated the minds of single women hunting for eligible husbands about a dozen years back.

Slowly, the definition of these five Cs changed. It became more humanised with traits like companionship, caring and compatibility. Regardless of how they have evolved, one C remains to be crucial.

Guys, it is Communication. Are you thinking: Yes, I’ve guessed it!? The never-ending communication, communication and communication. Is that all women ever want?

It’s not all women ever wanted. It’s a necessary and essential ingredient to a successful relationship, like bullets are to your guns. Without them, you can’t fire. 

First, let me say that I understand talking to your wife for an hour after a long day is not something exciting to look forward to. Yes, it can even be emotionally draining at times.

I know.

The question is: Does your wife know?

She may, or may not. Especially when you had been gone for some time and she had been longing for your return. You can probably see the strained and lengthened veins in her neck.

In her mind, she’s probably playing the image of you returning home and having this big, passionate reunion with her. She’s preparing for the cosy up in bed at night, where you can hug and tell her how much you’ve missed her and she can finally pour out all the things she’s done in your absence.

She relishes in that thought and survives on that anticipation.

Then, you come home. Instead of that big, hot passionate reunion, all you want is some quiet space for yourself. You need time alone. 

She doesn’t understand why you’re behaving so oddly. In fact, she finds you slightly cold and strange. She thinks you no longer love her, or you don’t miss her at all.

The fact is, you probably missed her as hell when you were deployed. At the same time, you’re just not up to a long chat yet. Not yet. Your body may be at home, but your mind could still be hovering at the spot where people were grieving over the death of their family members in the big disaster that had struck their homeland.

Let her know how you feel, when you’re ready to speak about it. But, don’t take too long to be ready.

Less you begin to agonise over finding the right words and way to say what you need to, take heart to know that communication is not just about speaking. It is a tool to convey what you feel and need to your wife. Think out of the box – is there any other way you can let her know how you feel without saying everything?

How about playing some songs? Leaving a note? Or placing a certain item on the table to indicate your readiness to talk?

In the meanwhile, what is it that you can do to give her the sense of love while she waits for you to be ready? Can a hug do? Or a quick 5 minute run down for her first?

You and your wife can set up some common understanding among yourselves. The important thing is to be sensitive to the need for communication, and ensure that it is not broken.

What can you do to keep in touch with your family when you’re away? If a phone call is a luxury, can you send an SMS twice daily to begin and end each day? If technology is limited, can you write letters or postcard? Late news is always better than no news.

I cannot emphasise the importance of communication anymore harder than saying that without it, your marriage will more likely than not run into serious trouble. Therefore regardless of how tiring it can be for you, you cannot not communicate. It is the bridge for connection.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

A Penny For Our Relationship?

How many times have we secretly wished that we are the most popular guy or girl in class during school? Well, maybe not the most popular, but well-liked at least.

Acceptance is a “popular” value among many people. Don’t we hate the feeling to be ostracised by others? To be left alone while our peers huddle together in their tight inner circle, passing juicy titbits of gossips of people out of their clique. Many times you wonder if you were one of the subject topics among them.

In order to be accepted, we go to great lengths. We please. We butter up. We bow our heads and seek for approval. Ok, maybe not to that extent – our pride’s in the way! But you get the point. We’ll do what we need and have to so that we can belong to at least one clique. We don’t want to be left behind, always the last to know what’s happening (or not even knowing until the event has been filed in the archives!), and never having someone reserve a seat for us when we run slightly late for a lecture or tutorial.

Solitude is not designed for the human race. That’s why God created Eve for Adam. That’s why we live in a society. We bond with people. We create and maintain relationships. We have a family. We have friends. We interact with strangers.

This need to be accepted by others and to mingle well with our various groups of friends is with us as we grow up and become adults.

But wait! If solitude is not designed for us humans, then are we born with the talent to make friends, keep friendships and be, erh, popular?

I can see some heads shaking.

Yes, not all of us have this knack to make people laugh, to make ourselves appear to be so loveable that nobody can resist wanting to spend the rest of their lives spinning around us.

So what happens then? How do we find friends?

Here, I’d say sorry pal, you have to learn to make friends. There are books out there for you to pick up a tip or two to crack jokes that do make people laugh, remember people’s names and to give a genuine compliment when needed.

But if you were lucky enough to be in Japan, then I say you have the easiest way out! All you need to do is to rent a friend! If you need a bestman or maid-of-honour for your wedding, don’t fret over the fact that your closest friend is the teddy bear in your closet. Nobody needs to know that you don’t have any close friends really.

Rent one! And this person will be able to deliver the most touching wedding speech that’ll guarantee to make your guests shed a bowlful tears, if you add a couple of hundred to the bill.

These agents for rent do not limit their roles to just the next-most-important-person, beside the bride and groom, in a wedding. They can be anything and everything you want. Apparently, as mentioned in this news article in today’s TODAY, you can rent a boss and even a father. Yes, a father. DNA can be transferred through air, don’t you know?

Though very amused, I’m more saddened by such a trend that has been invading Japan since eight years ago.

It leaves with me a big question hanging in the air: What is relationship worth?

If it can be bought with money, what is the message we are sending? 

Is using money to resolve this problem the solution, or the beginning of a host of other problems? 

In my opinion, renting an agent to play a role that is not true in real life is cheating. And here is the point – we can cheat the whole world, but can we really cheat ourselves?

Are we able to go to sleep in peace knowing that the best man who delivered the best speech in our wedding said what he said because of the money we stashed in his pocket?

Are we able to face our parents with no guilt at night when just hours before during the day, we had been calling someone else “Dad”?

What is the extent we will go to save our own skin? Is this price worth paying?

At the end of the day, who are we kidding? 

Friday, September 18, 2009

Loss of Honesty

I had lost my mobile on three occasions: pick-pocketed twice and carelessly left it in the toilet of a very small pub once.

In all the three times, I discovered the loss very quickly – within five minutes of it being gone. Equally swift was the pair of hands that landed on my prized possession at the other end.

The dreadful message announcing the phone has been switched off when I called myself means I have received the death sentence for my mobile. It is gone forever from me. 

One can easily imagine the phone is either going to change hands pretty soon at a tidy profit for the seller or will be used by this same dishonest guy who picked up someone else’s property and claimed it to be his or hers.

I was bitterly reminded of this distasteful behaviour when my friend lost her mobile in a taxi in Hong Kong. She was distraught. Sure her mobile was old and due for a change anyway, but the data that was contained in that little memory card was priceless!

She had all her contacts, SMSes (don’t we all have some very precious ones to keep?), photos, notes etc that she relied upon. Then there were those photos taken during her gown-fitting – the joy and anticipation of seeing her bridal gown being completed in stages, to see it nipped a little here tucked a little there to reveal a radiant bride in her gorgeous gown eventually.

Yes, this bride-to-be was close to tears when she dashed out from the taxi and into the building to escape from the heavy rain, hence not noticing that her mobile had, together with the taxi, sped away.

I really shudder to know that such behaviour has become common in our societies now. Since when has the spirit of “finder’s keepers” blinded us? Where is the good ole honesty that we learnt when we were young?

I remember my primary school teaching telling us that if we were to pick up a wallet on the road, we should do our best to return it to the owner. Otherwise, we should bring it to the nearest police station and leave it there. It’s about being honest, she said.

Yet, such valued honesty in the past is easily passed of as “stupidity” now.

“Don’t be stupid la. Of course you don’t return la!”

“You can sell it for a profit what. Then you can use the money to buy a better handphone!”

I can almost hear those words being spoken to me and images of these dishonest people dancing greedily around as they pop up in my mind now. I am saddened. 

Mobile phones have weaved their way very intimately into our lives now. Many of us can’t live without one. Yes, I sleep with mine beside me as it’s responsible for waking me up and provides me with some soothing solace on nights that I crave for some nice music.

And more often than not, it is usually our camera phone that captures those exquisite and spontaneous moments which would have been missed if not for this phone being constantly with us as and when we need it.

Writers like myself use our phones to take down lines and lines of text when a wave of inspiration flows in.

A mobile phone is no longer just a phone. It has become part of our lives – especially for those using smart phones.

Can you imagine a part of your life being ripped away from you? How would that feel?

I’ve been through it three times. I know how that feels. To sum up in one word – lousy. No, should be very, very lousy. The heartache will be one that lingers on even after we got a shining new phone. Some things are simply irreplaceable.

I’ve always subscribed to a principle in life: Do not do unto others what you don’t want others to do unto you.

Please return the mobile to the poor soul who owns it the next time you pick up one. He or she will be eternally grateful.

Last but not least, can we bring the good ole’ honesty back into our society? Can I be hopeful that we can? 

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Life’s Dramas

I didn’t plan to watch it. In fact, I had resolved not to watch it because it’s 1) probably too long and 2) going to upset me.

But on those few nights when I watched it with my mother, I realised that it might be a drama worth following after all.

Why?

Because it’s a vivid portrayal of life.

Heart of Greed, the Hong Kong mega TV drama showing now on Channel 8 depicts life as it truly is. Revolving around a rich family, this drama tells a riveting tale of how being rich is a boon, while having a heart of greed turns all the wealth into a bane. 

I found many values and human elements depicted in this show – kinship, friendship, ethics, morals, integrity, honesty, love, understanding, magnanimity, forgiveness, repentance, peace, harmony, trust, support, betrayal etc.

All of these shape who we are as a person. They define our character and they affect the way we interact with others.

Every character in the show has their own strength and weakness. The relationship between one another holds much dynamics, and to a relationship coach like me, it is extremely interesting.

Many of us have always taken our family members for granted. We assume that just because blood is thicker than water, all will be well and fine in the family. Little do we realise that harmony is not a given, but a continuous pursuit. It is the result of a never-say-die attitude and willingness to make constant effort in bringing everyone together.

In every family, there’s usually a central figure gelling everyone together. This person mediates when misunderstands occur (as we know there will surely be), organises outings and brings out the good in all of us.

Maintaining the harmony in a family and keeping it close-knitted is, in my opinion, one of the most challenging things to do in the world. You need plenty and plenty of love, tolerance and faith to accomplish this task.

Trust is not a given too, as many of us wrongly assumed to be. Haven’t we seen families being torn apart because of mistrust among the members? 

As we move into a society that dictates success based on wealth, money is no longer something that brings food to the table and keeps us alive. It represents a lot more – power, status and freedom.

And it is precisely because of what money can bring us that leads people into the wrong path. Money should be a tool for us to bring more love, happiness, joy, peace and warmth to ourselves and our loved ones. Money is never the end goal, but a means to our goals.

If it is a cause for pain, heartache and quarrels, then whatever benefits it can bring materially will never measure up to the loss of love and breaking up of a family.

Strong family values need to be planted since young - let them grow root and flourish as we age. This isn’t easy because there are too many outside factors that can easily blow us into the wrong direction. And each one of us grows up being influenced by various factors separately.

It is therefore essential to keep everyone reminded of these values that we hold dear in our hearts. Not easy, but can be done.

I’m eager to see how the family will become when the central figure is now gone. Heart of Greed, you have me tuned in. 

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

An Army Wife’s Guide 6 - The Woman’s Soul

I decided to add one more article to this series after giving it some thought.

I’ve talked about how you can be the wife to your soldier, the mother to your children and the pillar in your family. But I’ve forgotten an important element – the soul that makes you who you are!

Therefore, I’m dedicating this entire post solely for you. Yes, you, the good army wife, dutiful mother and unwavering pillar of strength, support and hope in the family.

You deserve the best in your life, really.

Let’s look at these 5 tips to keep you lively and lovely while your soldier is away from home.

1.  You are what you eat

Well, well. Haven’t we seen this slogan scrawled everywhere? And it’s everywhere simply because it’s true!

You are what you eat, physically. Eat well, and you will live well.

It helps to boost your energy level which makes you feel younger physically. It makes your skin glow when you take in good nutrients.

Overall, there’s too much to gain by eating well and healthy!

And, it’s really simple to do. 

2. Flirt with your hobby

I’m sure you have a hobby or interest. It can be singing, drawing, knitting, taking strolls, taking photos, shopping or any activities that allow you to be fully engaged when you’re doing it.

Such activities help to integrate all your senses and emotions and make you relax and rejuvenated. If it involves a project, it also gives you an immense sense of satisfaction when you’ve completed it.

This helps to keep you rooted to being who you are as a person, not a wife or mother. 

3. Pampering you

What can you do to feel that you’re in heaven? The kind of pure bliss that makes you feel lighter than air, as if you’re floating around joyfully and totally carefree? 

If going to spas and having a massage is the recipe for you to feel pampered, then go for it.

If not, find some other ways that make you feel that you’re living life the fullest. For me, it’s to be free of all things on my mind and read a good book with my favourite music on. It’s pure bliss!

The key here is to find out what it is that will make you feel pampered. It doesn’t have to come with a hefty price tag, if that’s what’s bothering you.

It just needs to feel good, really, really good for no good reason.

4. Calming

Waiting for your husband to come home from a deployment can be tough. There’s probably lots of anxiety and worries. You may even feel frustrated at times and wonder why do you have to go through all these jittery? Why is your husband leaving you all alone to take on the entire family’s affairs on your shoulders?

Watch out when you are feeling dispirited. Do not let such negative feelings spiral into something bigger and overwhelm you. Catch it while it’s just coming out, and nip them in the bud. Chase them away from your mind.

Then, calm yourself down. If drinking a cup of hot tea helps (known to work for many), then make yourself one. Some other foods known to calm one’s nerves include oranges (it’s the Vitamin C ladies), avocado and yes, dark chocolates. Oats seem to enhance the serotonin-producing abilities in our bodies, so it’s good to take muesli bars or oat porridge. Serotonin is the chemical that helps to release stress and give women a feeling of bliss.

Everyone will have their own way to calm their spirits and nerves. Find out what works best for you and do it. You may create a list of these workable solutions with you all the time. When the anxiety and frustration suddenly attacks, you know you’re always ready to handle them. 

5. Last but not least, be yourself

Don’t be afraid to be yourself. If you see a need to spend time alone, then say no to things or people that want your attention.

Don’t give yourself too much pressure. It’s okay if you make mistakes. It’s okay if the house isn’t as tidy as you would like to. It’s okay that your life is not perfect. It doesn’t have to be. All you need to know is to recognise that you have been doing your best, and you deserve to enjoy life as much as everyone else.

Even when you think that there is simply no time left for you to pay attention to yourself, do it. It is especially during such times that you have to start loving yourself. Do not see it as being lazy or shirking responsibility. See it as a form of recharge that is ever so necessary in order for you to bounce back brimming with more energy and zest!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

An Army Wife’s Guide 5 – A Motherly Father?

We’ve come to the last post in this series for the army’s wife.

In the previous posts, I’ve focused on the relationship between the husband and wife. This relationship forms the bedrock of a marriage, and hence, has to be given utmost priority over anything else.

Now, let’s switch our centre of discussion to the ones bordering around the couple -their offspring.

As an army wife, when your husband is away again for an extended period, your role as a mother becomes more critical, and extended. Suddenly, you are now both a mother, a father (when necessary) and the bridge between your child and their father. Guess what? It’s a role that you have to take up, prepared or not regardless. 

I’ve listed down three ways that would help to close this physical gap between father and child. Hope it helps!

1. In our sight, in our minds

Out of sight, out of mind! Therefore, it’s vital that your children can see their father every moment in the days when Daddy is not at home.

How do we do that? Simple. Shoot a video.

No, shoot as many videos as possible when your husband is around.

Video him in as many activities as possible. He can be pouring a glass of water, watching TV on the sofa, playing with the children or just giving you a kiss on the cheek.

Play this video to your children regularly. When they see their father in action, they can link it to the daily activities in which they engage in themselves. Hence, a virtual connection is established and maintained on a continuous basis.

Of course, if you can shoot videos, what’s stopping you from taking photos and blowing them up to place in every corner of the house?

It’ll help a lot if you have photos of your husband at work. How about him smartly posed in his uniform? From here, you can slowly explain the type of job he is in and why he’s always not at home!

When it’s not out of sight, chances that it’s out of mind are reduced.

2. Daddy’s lullabies

That’s right! Even though Daddy may not be the next Singapore Idol, he can still sing sweet lullabies to his darlings. This is especially useful when you have newborns at home.

As we all know, babies are sensitive to touch and voices. Since your husband can’t be there to talk to them as often as you can, playing lullabies sung by him at night works on your newborn’s subconscious mind.

When Daddy’s back, rather than crying and feeling scared at a stranger’s touch and sound, your baby would be smiling to the familiar voice in their father’s arms.

3. Daddy and I …

I know this may sound rather troublesome, and a mouthful to say it every time. But it’s important, especially if your child is old enough to understand things.

Your child knows that Daddy is often not at home. But that doesn’t mean that their father is not involved in their lives. And they need to know this.

You can help to remind them constantly by referring to Daddy as often as needed. For example, instead of saying “Mummy loves you” say “Daddy and Mummy love you!”

When they come home from school telling you excitedly about their little achievements, tell them that “Daddy and I are so proud of you.”

This may be an insignificant gesture, but it goes a long way in imprinting the role of Daddy in your child’s mind. 

And this wraps up this series of An Army Wife’s Guide. I hope you like them and find them helpful!

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

An Army Wife’s Guide 4 – That’s What Friends Are For

The song has sung it. 

Many articles have written about and extolled the many virtues of having girl friends. And this is no different.

Except that you - an army wife - probably need even closer friends than the others. Brownie points if she is also an army wife.

Of course, no girl friend, no matter how close, can replace a husband. But never, ever underestimate the power of close friends. They provide one of the greatest values in this world, something that no money can buy.

They provide support.

They provide listening ears.

They stand on your side and gripe with you.

They make you feel that you’re not alone.

Whenever you feel that life has thrown too much for you to handle alone, you know they are there to turn to and let out your complaints. And funny thing is, it usually just get better when you have poured out your grievances, even when no solution is in sight.

Do you have these gems in your life already?

I believe that you do. Who doesn’t have one or two close friends, right?

But in the event that you don’t, due to whatever reasons (maybe you just arrived into Singapore and settled here), then don’t get disheartened. I’ve listed some easy ways here to expand your social circle, and hopefully, with good management and sincerity, you’ll be able to find yourself some real chums soon.

3 Ways to Find Friends and Build a Support Network

1. Follow the clique

I believe your husband must have a group of friends whom he hangs around more often than the rest. If he doesn’t, then ask him to invite his army colleagues – the closer ones, of course – out for a drink. Remember, your aim is to know their wives, or girlfriends. Therefore, it’ll be a night out with his close army friends plus their significant others.

Through such casual gatherings, it’s not hard to gather some clues into the lives of these army guys and the roles their wives play.

Spend some time to speak to and get to know more about each and every one of them. Do not discount anyone during the first two meetings. You never know. The girl who remains silent most of the time may turn out to be the real friend as opposed to the one who can’t keep her mouth shut for a second!
Having a clique of army wives as friends is really good for both emotional and practical reasons. I’m sure you know why.

2. Join a wife or mother’s club

I know a friend who is an Australian and married a Singaporean. When she and her husband moved back to Singapore, she was without any friends. And, to make things worse (or better?), she was pregnant then.

She joined a yoga club for mothers-to-be. And viola! Now, she has made herself some friends whom they can hang out with after class or whenever time permits and just chat about anything under the sky! The best part is, this group of mothers-to-be continue to meet up regularly after they become mothers. Their children have become best of friends too, needless to say.

If yoga is not down your alley, find something that suits you. Then go and find out if they have a class specially for mothers, or wives. Why does it have to be married women and not singles? Because chances are the singles might not be able to understand so deeply what you’re going through managing a household alone most, if not, all the time.

3. Utilise the social network

I strongly recommend Facebook. Why? Because I’m a regular user, and I’ve made a few friends through this site. Real friends, I mean. Those who give you advices when you ask for them.

In this site, there are many specialised groups available. You can search and join one that suits your interest and character. These groups constantly organise activities which you could join if you’re keen. I’m sure you’ll be able to find some friends there. Chat with them for a while, and if your intuition tells you it is safe, arrange to meet them up in person. Who knows, a true and budding friendship could just be on the way!

No man is an isolated island. We need friends. But what is friendship really? I know of people who refuse to ask favours from their friends because they hate to inconvenience others. Personally, I think you should ask for favours whenever you really need them.

That’s what friends are for, isn’t it?

Otherwise, you’ll be too overwhelmed by all the things happening that this stress will somehow find its way to create problems in your life and your relationship with your husband and family members. As an army wife, you know as well as I do that this is not a remote possibility but a highly likely one.

And when the turn comes for you to return the favour, or merely giving them one, do your best to help them out. After all, we all live on the same piece of land. So why not give each other a back rub as and when we can? 

Lastly, friendships need, like any relationships, time and effort to maintain and manage. Do not only go to your friends when you need them, and forget about them when you’re carefree and happy. You share your happiness with them, and you have them to lighten your burdens.

Sincerity goes a long, long way.