Thursday, August 27, 2009

An Army Wife’s Guide 3 – Be “US”

Are you an understanding person? Do you support your spouse wholeheartedly?

Please be and please do.

You wouldn’t be able to imagine how relieved your soldier will feel when he knows that his wife is totally supportive of him whenever he’s on a mission. He’ll also appreciate your understanding that he can’t be with you on special occasions, unlike your girlfriends who have their partners by their sides.

Speaking of being understanding and supportive, I am reminded of the army’s deep involvement in bringing Singapore out of the SARS crisis.

I’m not sure if all the army wives had been supportive of their husbands when they were deployed to fight that battle against such a strong and infectious virus. What I’m pretty certain is, if they hadn’t been supportive, the morale of our army would be affected, and this, wouldn’t be good news as far as a nation is concerned.

That was such a harrowing experience for everyone. The anxiety and worries practically put the whole of Singapore on her toes. Rules and regulations to contain the spread of the virus were laid out swiftly and executed almost flawlessly. There was no time for any hesitation, and our army delivered with precision and efficiency.

The speed at which Singapore pulled through that episode was to me, very impressive and laudable.

But, as with any operation, success doesn’t come from one end only. It has to be a concerted effort. Every citizen has a role to play in nation-wide crises. While the army provides the infrastructure to overcome the crisis, the families form the support pillar for them – morally and mentally. 

I believe with the unwavering support of their wives, parents and children (if they’re old enough), these army guys would be able to fully focus on the rescue work and not feel guilty that there weren’t with their loved ones. Indeed, support from family can’t be any more emphasised. 

Facing with crises like the SARS episode and going overseas to provide aid for disaster-struck countries like the Sichuan earthquake, the army is treading on paths filled with lots of unknown. Nobody would know what would happen, but our soldiers couldn’t reject the deployment just because there was danger involved, could they?

Being away from their families, and away from you, is not something the army guys are happy about. Missing their kids’ first steps and first words don’t make them proud too. Coming home from a long absence and having to let the children get used to a stranger-like daddy make them miss you and the family even more.

Therefore, to let them have a peaceful mind when abroad, please be Understanding. Please be Supportive too, safe or not regardless. We know this is probably the hardest, and that’s why the army and their families deserve our utmost respect to be honoured.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

An Army Wife’s Guide 2 – Ask, and You Shall Receive

In this second post of this series, I’d like to talk about this very useful tactic that women can use to get what they want, when they’re willing to use it. 

Ask, and you shall receive.

Is it that easy? Yes it is.

The trick comes when women find it hard to ask.

Women love that their men can dive into their minds and know what they want. This makes them feel special. As a woman, I certainly know how that feels. Hence, we like to refrain from asking our men for things and resort to drop hints here and there, subtly.

When subtle hints fail, we make it more obvious. When that fails too, we give blatant hints. Only when blatant ones fail too then we have no choice but to either give up what we desire, or ask. At this stage, even when we do get what we are after, the gift has lost its special appeal because we had asked for it, instead of our partners knowing that we like it and got it for us on his own accord. For this unique reason, women don’t really enjoy asking their partners for something they want.

Yes, women can be such troublesome creatures.

However, if you are an army wife, then I’m afraid this is a skill that you have to start using more and more. 

Why?

Because you are married to a man who doesn’t have the luxury of time like others who might. As such, by letting them guess what your heart desires not only make them miserable, it doesn’t bring you joy either. Lose-lose situation. Not nice.

On the other hand, by being open and specific about what you would like to have and learning to enjoy the pleasure of receiving it from your spouse makes both of you happy as can be. It relieves him the added stress of having to guess what is in your mind, and it provides you a chance to be loved and pampered in exactly the way you wish. Win-win situation. Nice!

Isn’t it also lovely to know you can ask for anything? For example, it can be 30 minutes of his time, uninterrupted, a body massage, a phone call from him daily, a special gift on your coming wedding anniversary, mopping the floor when he’s at home etc.

How to ask then? You can start by asking like this: “Honey, I feel that I haven’t got the chance to chit chat with you without any interruptions, and you know I really miss those times when we did. Would you give me 30 minutes of your time this week, totally uninterrupted? I would appreciate that very much.” See, it’s easy!

Remember your tonality when asking: It is a request, not a demand. Hence, make it gentle yet firm.

I do this with my hubby very often too, because although he isn’t in the army, his career takes up almost all of his waking time.

Ladies, tell yourself that it isn’t that your husband can’t read your mind. It’s just that they really might be too tired to do so. If you are newly wed, asking directly actually helps to shorten the time for you and your spouse to know each other’s likes and dislikes. In no time, you’d have developed the kind of chemistry as if you’ve been married for 10 years or more. 

And shouldn’t you rejoice at the fact that you’re such a confident woman who dares to ask for what you want without feeling like you’re needy?

Last but not least, please ask for things that you know your husband has the ability to provide. Don’t ask for the moon and think you’d at least get the stars – both are impossible. Requests have to be reasonable, remember. 

If you still insist that you’ll only feel special when he can guess your mind accurately, then think about it this way: don’t you feel loved when your husband bothers to do something to please you, when he could have used that time to do other things for himself?

Help him to help you and your marriage. It’s worth it. Test it out! 

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

A Sleepy Post

It is happening again. As I lay there, my eyes feeling sleepy and heavy, my mind is full of activities. I turn and look at my hubby deep in sleep. His face is one of contentment and enjoyment. I wish I can see how I look like now – when insomnia has hit me again.

Well, not really insomnia; maybe just facing a bit of difficulty going to sleep.

You see, my mind has a habitual pattern, a bad one really. When it comes to bed time (as dictated by the heaviness of my eyelids), my brain suddenly becomes very active. Phrases, words, tunes, images – you name it, I have it all in my mind. It’s always at this awkward time that I can think of stories to write. Why???

I did a quick Google on “chronic sleeping problems” and viola! All the problems associated with having an innocent, undisturbed 6 hours of sleep pop up on my screen eagerly. I read through some of them and became – depressed.

I think I’m supposed to be, right? After all, most of the problems are associated with some psychiatric issues. I decided to zoom into the area where it hurts me most – insomnia.

Viola! Another list of mental health disorders stare at me blankly. Let me name some: anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, ADHD, post-traumatic stress disorder, brain injuries so on and so forth.

What? Am I suffering from depression? Wait! I’m still drooling over the simplest dish in this world (my mum’s fried egg), enjoying my moments with my family and friends, and doing a job that I’m loving every minute!

Or maybe it’s anxiety. Yes, I guess that’s right. I’m anxious to sleep when I want to, and not getting.

Or maybe bipolar. Well, my mood does swing from being nonchalant to slightly excited to slightly more enthused than slightly excited.

So, what’s the problem with me?

I wish I knew.

Aha! It must be my hubby – he falls into sleep too fast! Therefore, in contrast, the rate at which I drift into dreamland becomes slow, in fact, snail-crawling s.l.o.w.

Now that I’ve found my problem, I need to get a solution. Since my brain is only active during bedtime, I’ll leave it till then to fix it.

Aha! There it is – the crux of my issue has surfaced!

But, in the words of this Chinese doctor I’ve been seeing lately, none of these reasons are the real one. “It’s your health!” he’d say. “So, take these powders home and stop thinking so much. I’ll take care of your sleep.”

Now, that kinda eases my anxiety a bit, doesn’t it? 

Thanks for reading this sleepy post, if it makes you so.

May you have deep and a restful sleep every night. 

Friday, August 21, 2009

An Army Wife’s Guide 1 – Independence Days

In my previous post, I wrote about the challenges to be married to an army guy. Over the next few posts, I’ll give some tips on how to be a “good” wife so that you can have a lasting and happy marriage amidst the challenging environment of your man’s career.

This series of articles is meant for the eyes of these army wives. If you are an army personnel reading this, you may like to email her a copy or print it out and read it with her together!

To begin, the first trait that I’m going to talk about is what will make you, the army wife, a superwoman.

Independence days

Being the wife to a very busy man, I know how it is like to live mostly alone in a marriage. Understandably, an army’s wife probably carries a heavier burden on her shoulders.

When the little ones arrive, while she has more company, she too has to meet the increased demands of the family on her.

Nothing short of an independent woman can perform this role well. 

So, what if you’re not an independent person? How can you learn this crucial life-surviving skill?

I suggest to take it in stages, though I know at times, life doesn’t give us the luxury of time. Nevertheless, learning how to prioritise your time is the first step to being independent. 

Then, learn how to be organised. With these two life skills, it is more than half the battle won. There are many resources like books or courses that teach people how to be organised and efficient. 

The reason why having to do everything (or most things) ourselves appears to be very overwhelming is because we don’t know how to make the best and full use of time. 

But, when we are organised and we know how to prioritise the tasks, we are in control – the key secret to being independent. 

Recognise and acknowledge that you are someone with the ability to do a lot of things, even though you may not be aware at the current stage yet. But, place complete trust in yourself that when the time arises, you will be able to function very well.

You may be having some grave doubts about this tip. Of course, merely believing that you are capable of being independent doesn’t mean you will be overnight. However, just imagine if you don’t believe that you can be, or worse, believe that you’ll never be independent no matter how hard you learn to be. Do you think you’ll ever learn to be independent? The answer is - no. 

Beliefs programme our unconscious mind.  Hence, by installing a positive and empowering belief like “I am capable of being independent”, you are telling your subconscious mind to prepare to release your potential to be so.

Compare this to the belief “I will never be independent no matter how hard I try!” or “I just can’t!” Can you feel the immediate difference to your state of mind?

I believe that all of us can be independent, and the fact that some of us aren’t is because we lack the opportunity to be. I remember my friends and family getting very worried when they knew I would be flying to Hong Kong to work. How could I ever survive away from home, alone?

I didn’t know I could too, but I could. I survived very well in fact. Granted I had to learn many things which I didn’t have to do previously (thanks to dearest mummy!), I appreciate having the excellent chance for me to realise I can be independent, if I choose to!

Oh by the way, being independent doesn’t mean you have to do everything in the family yourself. It only means you have the capability to do it, but you need not have to be the do-it-all. Sharing responsibilities with your husband is still a must, because you are not alone in the marriage.

Being independent doesn’t mean being alone – you are not.

Watch out for the next post where I’ll talk about being understanding. 

Friday, August 14, 2009

The Women Who Wash The Uniforms

Typhoon Morakot has taken many lives, and many more are still waiting to be saved. Disasters of such magnitude mean rescue missions ought to be at least of the same size, or preferably, even bigger. That means – a large number of people and material supplies are needed.

Where do these people come from? Who are they?

They are from the military – the army, the navy and the air force.

These local heroes brave the danger and head off to wherever they are needed. They protect our country and defend it from being invaded by ill-intentioned outsiders. They are always prepared to lay their lives for the country in the event of an attack. 

And, they are like you and me – with a family.

Marriages that involve military personnel are challenging for all parties. Husbands who are away most of the time miss their wives and children. Wives who are left alone most of the time need to be exceptionally independent. They have to be fully supportive of their men who are carrying a larger burden on their shoulders than any ordinary man on the street.

Many a time, their husbands might not be there during their pregnancy. Their birthdays, anniversaries could be spent without their partners. They have to constantly answer their children’s questions like “Why is Daddy always not around? Where did Daddy go? I want my Daddy!”

They have to be on their toes all the time, for they never know when their men have to be deployed to a faraway place again.

The role an army’s wife plays is as critical as the role an army guy plays. Managing and making sure the family functions well helps to ease the soldier’s anxiety and allows him to truly focus on his job. She is like the line holding up a necklace of pearls – without her, he might have difficulty blending into the family each time he’s away for a long while, especially when the baby is growing up rapidly into a toddler and find their father’s face suddenly strange to them.

Whenever my hubby travels for work, I’d pray for his safety and health. Nothing matters to me than to have him back home, safe and sound. And he’s only gone for days, at times, weeks. 

Therefore, I can imagine how much more anxious these wives are when their military husbands get deployed overseas for an extended period. 

It’s tough being an army’s wife, and I wonder if our society even knows of this group of women sacrificing themselves for the sake of our nation.

Behind every successful man is a woman. I think, behind every soldier is a great, loving wife. 

But, we all know that things aren’t rosy all the time and for all couples. Those who can’t withstand the stress find themselves running into problems as conflicts expand, made worse by a lack of communication. 

In the next few posts, I’ll touch on some ways that’ll hopefully lighten up the atmosphere and bring the wife and the guy in the uniform closer in their marriage. 

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Blind Leading The Blind

It was a bright, warm and sunny day. I alighted from the bus and scanned my surroundings, looking for my destination.

It was a warm, and as such, probably sunny day and hence bright. He alighted from the bus and felt his surroundings, searching for his destination.

Our paths wouldn’t have crossed if I didn’t turn my head to look at him. He was still feeling his way, but apparently, he had came to a standstill. Moving his cane in a left right direction, he was “stuck” between two stretches of metallic seats.

Stopping for a while, I made a quick decision in my mind – to help or not to help. Help, was the swift answer. Immediately, I walked towards him and asked, “Uncle, where do you want to go?”

“Coffeeshop, at Blk 732.”

“Ok, come let me bring you there.” I put my arm on his and gently led the way.

He followed.

“I’m going there to eat chicken rice,” he told me.

“Oh, is it very nice?” I asked.

“Yah, it’s my favourite. I like the chicken rice there.”

We strolled towards the direction of the coffee shop, and he said, “From here, it’s about twenty to thirty steps.”

I stopped breathing for a second, and this thought jumped into my mind instantly: “Oh, that’s how the blind look for their way!”

After I brought him to the coffee shop, I asked if he wanted me to place the order for him. He shook his head, and a guy walked to us and asked him what he wanted to eat. “Chicken rice,” he replied. This guy, who looked like he worked in one of the stalls there, told me he’d bring him to his seat.

The blind man turned towards me and said: “It’s okay now. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” I smiled. He would have felt it, even if he couldn’t see my smile, wouldn’t he?

Few days after, I saw the interview of Kelvin Tan (Chen Wei Lian) on Channel U. This blind singer who shot to stardom after winning the first Project Superstar contest actually loves travelling! And he had been to Genting several times, always placing himself in front his favourite “hobby” – jackpot.

From him, I found out that they would count the number of doors after turning from the lift to get to their hotel room. But he didn’t get to explain how do they play the jackpot when they can’t see? Aren’t they worried that they’ll be cheated? Or do they just play for fun’s sake? According to him, most of the time he lost money. And I think I know why. 

That short encounter with the blind man gave me quite a shock and a good lesson learnt.

A blind is considered as visually handicapped. Yet, that handicap didn’t deter them from doing things they like – taking a bus to a certain coffeeshop away from home just to have a plate of chicken rice; leaving the familiarity and safety of home just to have a feel of the air and atmosphere out of Singapore.

They can achieve what I can achieve, though they can’t see what I can see. Yet, they do it nonetheless.

How many of us are worried of failure, of losing the way, of being cheated, of losing face that we daren’t even step out of our comfort zone and venture into the foreign world?

How many of us pay attention to other people’s needs by observing them using our eyes when we could?

Thinking of this, I can’t help but feel that I, on certain occasions, could be considered as blind too.

I thank that blind man for giving me such a sweet lesson on life. After I sent him to the coffee shop, I had to ask for directions twice to get to where I wanted to go. Simply because, I had alighted at the wrong stop.

I think, if life wants to give us a lesson, it will. Even if it means you alight at the wrong stop the second round - meaning to say, you make the same mistake twice. 

Monday, August 10, 2009

Singapore – Then and Now

TODAY held a very meaningful contest, I thought.

In celebration of Singapore’s 44th birthday, the newspaper had a photo contest that best showcased Singapore then, and now.

As I reminisced my own childhood looking at others’ from the photos submitted by our fellow Singaporeans, I had this thought: “How wonderful to be born in the 70s.”

Indeed, those who were born in the 70s have, in my opinion, the best of both worlds. We journeyed through Singapore’s progress and changes. Many of us had that luxury (now we call it luxury!) to live in a kampong, before we had a taste of how it was like to squeeze the whole family in a small pigeon-hole like flat.

When pagers came, we were old enough to use the technology, and at the ripe age to be hip about it. We were in school.

Shortly, those big brick-like mobile phones emerged when we’re either finishing school or just started working – which means, we could afford it! Now, we’re all holding phones smaller than our palm. Then, mobile phone usage was rather expensive. Hence, many of us used it only to return phone calls when our pagers beeped. Mobiles were mostly in the off-mode. Once in a blue moon when we actually got through someone’s mobile, it was a cause for excitement!

We witnessed the cleaning up of the Singapore River, and when Boat Quay became a happening place to hang around, our wallets happened to have enough cash to afford having long dinners by the sparkling riverside.

In short, we weren’t born into a world where technology was blooming. We walked through it as it was developing. We awed when TV was still in black and white, and our eyes popped out when special effects started to appear in the square screen that accompanied the whole family most of the evenings through the night. There wasn’t any other form of entertainment available then.

By the time computers were invented, we were in our primary school, ready to take one more step ahead into our bright future. Now we have laptops. 

As these thoughts flowed through my mind, I began to wonder: What will the kids of today have to compare and reminisce? What’s the world going to be like in another 40 years’ time?

Will they find what we have now old-fashioned? I’m sure they would, at the same time, I doubt these old fashions will have a tinge of yellow - the kind of yellow that only real black and white photos (not a camera setting!) can bring.

I’m really glad to be born in that generation.

And I’m really thankful for all that Singapore has given me.

Happy birthday Singapore!