Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Trust Me. Or, Lose Me.

Late nights from Mondays to Fridays, I will be sitting on my couch watching a Korean drama on cable TV. Not that that was a particularly exciting show, but it happened to focus on a topic that I am greatly passionate about – marriage and relationship.

Out of the many problems that occur in the couple’s marriage, I can see that trust is the root of them all. Trust. Oh how much I have talked about this on my blog, in my book, in my seminars etc. And now, the couple is re-enacting all this on TV as I watched how they develop their relationship and yet destroying it at the same time.

If you think those scenarios can only happen on TV and not in our lives, then you are in great danger. Because many couples are living out those acts in real lives, because there is no trust in the relationship or marriage!

It is very saddening to see two people splitting up because of some misunderstandings that shouldn’t and wouldn’t crop up if only they trust their partner.

What do we mean by trust then? Does it cover only the fidelity part? If you don’t cheat on your partner, you automatically have a placing on the charts of Mr or Ms Trustworthy. Other things don’t matter. So long as you remain faithful.

That’s true. But only to that extent.

Although love governs a relationship, there are too many factors that cannot be ignored in order to sustain your love.

For example, if you promised to call your girlfriend, and repeatedly you didn’t fulfill your promise, do you think she will continue to place as much trust in you as she did before? Such little incidences go a big way to show how responsible and trustworthy you are, as a person and as a partner.

Women need to have stability in order to feel secure, and to feel loved too. When you are perpetually late for your dates, she can’t help but to worry that in case of emergencies, you won’t make it in time for her.

Let’s look at another example to illustrate the role of having trust in your relationship. Imagine you two had a fight, and you tend to over-react in a big way. She will see this as a way of how mature or immature you can be when handling things that have gone wrong. She will determine how much trust that she can see in you to know what to do when unforeseen circumstances arise.

Being away from your girlfriend for a long period of time, either you are serving NS full-time or you are an army regular, it is imperative that you establish strong trust between you and your partner. In times of crisis, when the whole world points the figure towards you for something you didn’t do, do not be surprised to know that your regular deposits of trust in your relationship bank will come to serve you very well. But if you have broken her trust too many times, you can’t blame her if she finds it hard to believe you again.

So, call her if you promised to. Inform her if you were going to be late, and explain why. Don’t dig up old wounds, especially hers when she bared her heart to you.

Last but not least, don’t lie. Uphold your trust and keep your partner. 

Monday, January 28, 2008

Are You Born “A-Listed”?

When you have God’s gifts, that only means half the battle is won.

What are God’s gifts? Or if you would prefer, Universe’s gifts or your born assets?

Like an angelic face and a devilish figure. Like a magnetic voice that resonates deeply. Like an ultra soft and flexible body. Like the ability to decode complex figures and equations at the snap of a finger. Like a photographic memory.

I’d give you a scenario and you tell me who you think the winner is.

Imagine two teams of 3 girls each competing for the championship for dancing.

Team A is a very visually pleasing sight. They are equally tall and slender, with pretty looking faces and a proportionate figure. You would wolf whistle at them and they turn heads wherever they go.

Team B doesn’t have the “god-given assets” of such attractive appearances. They are shorter in height, not so pretty but definitely acceptable and older in age.

On first sight, Team A gains points. They win. But, like I say, that’s only half the battle.

The real test comes from how they dance.

Team A choreographed a dance with difficult steps, but wasn’t uniform in their steps and gave judges the feeling of uncertainty.

Team B had a simpler dance in comparison, but delivered it with superb confidence, uniformity and an excellent grasp of the spirit of their dance and rhythm.

So who won? Team B. Hands down.

What does this tell us?

When we are blessed with a pretty or handsome face, we shouldn’t be arrogant. For this, you will soon find yourself blacklisted. Without hard work in what you do, you may remain as just that – pretty face and nothing more.

When we are blessed with a quick mind and wits, we shouldn’t use it to find shortcuts to success and skip building the foundation. Without a solid ground work, even if you made your millions rather quickly, you may not be able to hold that wealth.

When we are blessed with a talent like drawing, singing or dancing, to be the cream of the crop, you need to practice, practice and keep practicing. Talent will make you noticed, but discipline will make you soar. 

When half of the battle is already won without any effort on your part, it only means you should count your blessing, be thankful and work hard to win the game.

Unless you are happy with only being half-there, and half not there. Are you, or are you not?

Friday, January 25, 2008

Finding The “B” Spot – Part 2

Congratulations! The fact that you are reading this only means you have made your choice - you want to have family AND career. Or health AND career. Or your personal life AND career.

Ok, what are the options we have to get that balancing point? That point which many of us have missed, and only begin to regret when it’s too late? 

How To Find The Balance In Your Busy Life?

1. Maintain a log. Keep track of all the things you have done in the past week, including work and non-work related. At the end of the week, go through all your activities. Which ones satisfy you most? Which ones don’t? Which ones are critical and urgent and which ones aren’t so critical? By doing this, you may realise that you could be spending time less efficiently than you can be. Delete those tasks that don’t have to be done by you or you find no satisfaction in doing. Delegate them.

2. Communicate. Before you jump and say this is what you don’t have time for, then let me tell you. If you don’t have time to communicate with the people around you who are important, then you will have to find time to clear off all the misunderstandings that could have arose due to the lack of communication in the first place. Which one would you choose? To do things right the first time, or to right things done wrong later?

3. Set a time. Choose a day and time every week then you will leave blank for important life obligation. It could be time with your family, with yourself, for your hobby etc. If one slot is not enough, make it two. One for yourself only, and one for your family for example. This time of the week has to be left blank and untouched, and any other work obligation has to be arranged out of this slot. Make it a commitment to do this. You’ll be surprised that your productivity level could shoot up because you need to finish up your work before that slot of time!

4. Priorities. We all need to have priorities in life so that we can function effectively. The reason you are working like a bull in the office with no time for anything else could be because you didn’t set your priorities right, or you didn’t do it at all. Schedule your priorities, and you will know what really needs to be completed that day before you leave the office. Then do those, and leave the rest till the next day. You have other priorities which are equally, if not more, important than working overtime.

5. Learn to say “No”. I know, this can be extremely hard for certain people. However, until the day you learn to say “No” to other less-critical stuff and people, you will be saying “No” to yourself, your family and all your loved ones. Now, when will you choose to start learning this life-saving skill?

6. Be kind to yourself. When you know you are tired out, then stop. Give yourself some breaks in between. We need to recharge before we can leap higher.

7. Work options. As family-work balance is getting more attention nowadays, there are many organisations who offer their employee more work options. Technology has proven that you can be as productive even when you are on the go. So, find out what options there are for you so that you can lessen the time you are physically in the office, but still able to meet the deadlines and produce quality results. If there aren’t any, why not propose one to your boss? Successful people don’t wait for things to happen. They make things happen. Go and create change my friend.

8. Hire a coach. Why not get some assistance from a professional? At times, we could have too much clutter in our lives that make us feel so overwhelmed. Getting a coach will boost your speed to change things and find the balance back again, fast!

9. Build relationships. For whatever changes that we are going to make in our lives, it will help a great deal if we have good support from our surroundings. Tell them your goal to have a balanced life, and ask for their support and reminder. Wouldn’t it be excellent if your colleague shares the same goal as you, and both of you work at hitting the target? The same goes for your family, your spouse and your children.

These are the nine ways for you to find and maintain a balance in your busy life. AT the same time, as a love and relationship coach, I know how unique everyone can be. You may have a different degree of acceptance when it comes to being “overloaded” and your partner may also have their own definition of having time together and space.

Therefore, take these tips and implement them accordingly. What is most important is – the desire to want to create balance in your life. Because without this desire and without seeing how significant this change can be to yourself and your loved ones, you may find it difficult when you meet obstacles.

Lastly, I hope you will remember that creating changes and maintaining them is a journey. As things in life change, we need to adapt and adjust too. So, enjoy this journey and savour the finer things in life. You know there is more to it than just what you’re doing now, don’t you?

P.S To continue the analogy of cycling that I used in Part 1, here’s the ultimate test. Which do you choose – the babe or the bike? Haha… have fun and enjoy your weekend!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Finding The “B” Spot – Part 1

Hey hey, doesn’t this title sound a little bit, erm, naughty? I’m just hoping to lighten things up, before I go into the real deal.

What’s the “B” spot? Before I give you the answer, I’d like you to imagine this scenario, and see if you could place your bingo on this spot!

The scenario:
You feel the tightness in your chest. You really want to ace that promotion which means a big deal to 1) your authority, 2) your paycheck and 3) your reputation. You need to put in 100% or maybe more so that you can beat all your competitors and make the gap between you so huge that they can never hope to catch up.

The dilemma – where is the “B” spot? How can you find it, and when you do, how do you maintain it?

Life is hectic. Yet life is challenging. Yet, life is full of hope and surprises. You just need to go and find that balance so that you can have the cake and eat it too!

Yes, “B” is for “Balance”.

I was looking at how cyclists balance themselves on two wheels, and thought – when we are learning how to cycle, it’s about finding that balancing point. You fall and bleed during the process. But when you do find it, you feel liberated. You feel free. You can ride away and enjoy the breeze, the speed and the momentum.

Then you turn and look at those who don’t know how to cycle, and you wonder what they have missed out in this world.

Finding balance in life is the same. You need to know - where are the areas you will fall when you don’t exert strength on? Which are the ones that will snap when you don’t pay attention to? How can you have both speed and safety at the same time? At times you notice that, in order to have safety, you need to compromise on speed. This is what we call by finding the balance.

Making compromises are necessary in life. You need to know what your priorities and goals are and how you want to reach them.

You could arrive in style, or you could arrive in chaos. Which do you choose?

Family or career? Or family and career?

Only when you are sure which choice to make then you can make that happen. In Part 2, I’ll show you how to have your cake and eat it too!

Friday, January 18, 2008

How To Spot Signs Of A Failing Relationship

When you begin a relationship, it’s always with hope and lots of love. You know when the right time to hold her hand is. You know when to plant her first kiss. You know when to pop the question and whip out the ring.

However, when things have begun to change, how soon do you notice them? When “prevention is better than cure” is no longer effective, at the very least, early detection still shows the highest promise of saving an ailing relationship.

How then can you detect when your relationship is facing a crisis and possibility of being terminated? Here are some symptoms that you can use as pointers to check if your relationship is beginning to go downhill.

1. Communication is almost non-existent. You find that while you used to be able to talk about anything under the sun, you are beginning to notice that the few silent moments are stretched to minutes and slowly to days. You don’t feel the urge to tell him/her how your day is, your thoughts and feelings.

2. Arguments. Yes, while the frequency for communication is dipping, the rate at which arguments and tiffs happen is rapidly on the rise. You get irritated easier now, and would spend no time in flaring your anger towards your partner.

3. Energy level. Her energy level is evidently much lower. She no longer lights up when she sees you or hears from you. Very obviously this is a sign that her heart could be making a silent retreat from you and the relationship.

4. Fault-finding. What used to be ok in the pa st is becoming a good topic for quarrels now.

5. Tolerance. As weird as it sounds, you find that tolerating those things that were intolerable in the past is becoming easier now. You’d rather remain silent than to let him/her about your unhappiness. Slowly, this becomes a habit and you no longer want to say anything, regardless if you’re happy or not.

6. Greener pasture elsewhere. You compare your partner to someone else. And usually the pasture is greener on the other side. Their weaknesses have been magnified now. And you blame them for it

7. Mentioning of names. While you may be talking about your partner every now and then among your friends and colleagues, the number of times your partner’s name is being mentioned has drastically been reduced. That also means this is proportionate to the number of times you are thinking of her.

While those are signs that indicate you could be facing a break-up or divorce soon, the most important key to a failed relationship is when problems aren’t adequately resolved.

Therefore, I really suggest that whenever an unpleasant event occurs, do not take it lightly or assume that the negative feeling will wane with time when it’s left unsettled. It can only snow ball to bigger problems and in no time, even before you can turn off the alarm, the bomb has exploded.

Seek help when it’s time to do so. Don’t wait till the building has collapsed before you call in the maintenance department. 

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Pride and Love Or Bread and Butter?

When you hear someone say “You must have pride in your job”, what picture of this person do you see in your head?

Is he someone from the higher ranks? Or is he a rank-and-file worker struggling to make ends meet?

Is pride and love for a person’s job only reserved for the high flyers, or those who work to pursue their childhood dreams instead of to put food on the table?

I was having dinner with my partner and due to his new involvement in the army, the conversation naturally led to this part – training of leaders and developing the thinking organization.

We both know how hard it can be to make someone love his job, when the reason that put him at that specific position wasn’t that sweet to begin with.

However, in life, we don’t get what we want a lot of times. So when that happens, it doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy what we have, even though they could be our second, third or even the last choice.

All we need to do is just change our perspective.

I remember taking a cab ride in Australia few years ago. The driver wore a cab, a pair of gloves and all-white suit. Yes, that means a jacket and pants suit. Complete with a tie.

That was in the summer. In case you’re beginning to wonder he’s probably wearing a little bit more to keep warm.

He was showing pride and joy in his occupation – sending passengers to where they want to go. To provide comfort, safety and speed in the ride.

Compare this to the disgruntled taxi driver we see on our roads.

That was a change in perspective. Same occupation. Different results.

How does this relate to our dinner conversation?

For the first time in my life, I was actually enjoying what Stuart was telling me, about the army. How each and every detail has to be taken into consideration, when it comes to defending our island.

I realized that every soldier in the army plays an important role. Each one has a place in a platoon, and each platoon has a place in a battalion, and each battalion has a role to play when war strikes.

So, in this consideration, do all our soldiers hold pride in what they do? As a full-time NS man, do you?

I would like to place high standards and expectations on our army, and I certainly have reasons to do that. Singapore boasts a strong army, state-of-the-art technology and excellent thinking and strategizing brains as the leaders of the pack. Albeit we are a small nation with only 4 million people.

So, as a NS guy, are you beaming with pride that whatever you have contributed now, you are already considered a national hero? 

I wish that you are. Because, how you do something is how you do everything. 

The seriousness, pride and love you have for your occupation in NS will also be reflected in other parts of your life. Yes, including relationships.